The thought of seeing a therapist sends a wave of panic down your spine because GOD FORBID someone finds out and your career could possibly be over. Logical or not, it doesn’t matter and no one can change your mind. You’ll be damned if you’re going to talk to the “Psychologist” because there is no way in Hell he needs to know ANYTHING personal about you! Plus, you secretly thinks he kind of sucks anyways and you’re still not sure why he is even there. You’ve seen therapists (or A therapist) before but you left feeling like shit because of the way he/she talked to you/about you/about your career. You are in a constant state of tension. Massage therapy doesn’t even help. You have this inside feeling of constantly feeling “on edge” to the extent it is normal to you but your partner, spouse, kid, Sargent, Captain, or even the milkman are even saying “hey, you okay?” It’s like feeling tightly wound up and you just can’t catch a break or much less a few hours of uninterrupted sleep. Your spouse keeps bitching you are “never home” but you’ve given up trying to explain what you do and why you do it. It’s pointless and they’ll never understand. You’ve given up trying to explain to everyone and anyone why you are plastered all over social media for the week. People will always have their own thoughts about you regardless.
You would drop everything for your friends and family. If they need a Band-Aid, you’re on it. What kind of Band-Aid because you probably have about 20 different types you carry around in your personal vehicle at all times. In fact, not only Band-Aids, but you have a whole bag you constantly drive around with “just in case” because if anything, if the random person in front of you in line at Target falls out in front of you, you’re on it. Immediately. Always prepared. Everyone needs to just get the fuck out of your way and again, GET THE CELL PHONE VIDEO TAPING THE SCENE OUT OF HERE! You know you’re responsible for this person living or dying as you love how your other First Responders stand around looking “busy” or they are panicking and so you tell them to “go to the truck and bring me the dog leash” just so the other person (who should be calm) will finally calm the fuck down. All you want to scream at people, no matter where you are, falls along the lines of “GET TO THE POINT!”
You have trouble sleeping. When you finally do fall asleep you either can’t stay asleep because it is too quiet/too loud/not in your own bed/or even having these bizarre nightmares and you don’t know why but they have been going on for a while. You LOVE and I mean LOVE what you do for a living. You’re okay basically being married to your job because it keeps you going and it is why you were here. Your fascination with fire trucks or police cars or ambulances never went away since you were very young.
Immediately walking in you are assessing the therapist’s office. You usually have to be facing the door. What is he/she doing with their hands? Why is he/she moving like that in their chair? What are they even saying? I missed the whole conversation because I was too busy assessing. They don’t get it. I don’t have the time to explain it. This therapist seemed uptight. She couldn’t even drop the F bomb. What the fuck is wrong with this person?! Jesus, can I not get a therapist ANYWHERE WHO FREAKING UNDERSTANDS WHAT THE HELL I AM GOING THROUGH?!
You do not want to discuss what happened. You don’t want to “journal” about it. You don’t want to sing the “why can’t we all just get along song” because you’re too busy concerned about how Charlotte is next; it’s coming to Charlotte. (YOU know exactly what I meant when I said that) You don’t want to explore “feelings or emotions” or fuck the idea of EVER answering the question “how does that make you feel?” Only a dumbass would ask that question. Only an asshole who has NO CLUE about what it is like working with First Responders would ask a dumbass question such as that.
I’m Sarah. I specialize working with First Responders. You’re in the right place. Give me a call or shoot me an email and we’ll get started on the current situation.